


Planted in my Brain // Przedziwny sen (...) Widzę ją

by Marta_Ayanami



Series: 'Fools,' said I, "You do not know" [6]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: I just love Gyro's vlog and how vulnerable he is in it forever ok?, M/M, headcanons, hundred percent canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:35:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23751694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marta_Ayanami/pseuds/Marta_Ayanami
Summary: Shiro glanced at Lance. Was Lance actually filming or was this all a big practical joke that Shiro would later feel embarassed about, for not catching on?There was a voice in his head, telling him to stop dallying and go check up on Emperor Lotor, for some reason or another.
Relationships: Keith/Kuron (Voltron), Kuron & Voltron Paladins, Kuron/Lance (Voltron)
Series: 'Fools,' said I, "You do not know" [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1676332
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	Planted in my Brain // Przedziwny sen (...) Widzę ją

Shiro glanced at Lance. Was Lance actually filming or was this all a big practical joke that Shiro would later feel embarassed about, for not catching on?

There was a voice in his head, telling him to stop dallying and go check up on Emperor Lotor, for some reason or another.

Some people had imaginary friends. Shiro used to have one when he was nine years old and very lonely and shy, he remembers. His name was Jacob, they fell in love and kissed, and Shiro had asked Jacob <<Wait, is that alright? I'm not a girl>> and Jacob said <<silly, of course you're not, you're the manliest man here, you're a hero, and that's why I like you. Yup, THAT way.>> and Shiro had said <<wow. But, I'm ill. And, isn't that wrong?>> and Jacob had said "no way! And you have dreams to fly to the Moon, right? I won't stop you, ever. I'll fly to the Moon with you. I'll be your crew.>> And Shiro said <<wow.>>

Jacob was from some movie, or rather, it was the name of that actor who played a character from said movie. Shiro just liked to imagine how he'd be with him. It felt nice. He only really saw that actor once, from afar. And naturally, back then, Shiro blushed and said nothing.

That was when he had first met Adam, who was a fellow fan of that actor and that movie.

But that was many years ago.

Nowadays, Shiro didn't have any imaginary friend, however, he had an imaginary enemy. Haggar, who existed, and he had met her, yes, but... since the second escape, some echo, some imaginary Haggar, now lived in Shiro's head, it seemed.

And unlike Jacob, never left Shiro alone, unless he was doing something the Witch seemed very boring.. aka something very enjoyable and not relevant... and even then, later, she'd always imaginarily tell him to leave the thing and go do something else.

Sometimes... Shiro was beginning to hate the imaginary Haggar in his head more than he rememebered hating the real Haggar.

Sometimes... Shiro, despite knowing that he was twenty six years old almost, and remembering those twenty six years in details, suddenly felt very, very, very young.

 _I wasn't born yesterday,_ he told himself, ever since the Second Escape, but more and more, it felt like a lie, even though all his memories said he was born twenty six years ago. That Takashi Shirogane was...

_Unless I'm not Takashi Shirogane. But I am. If I was anybody else. I wouldn't remember things nobody but Shiro knew. Like, say, even mundane things, irrelevant, long-forgotten: like, say, Jacob, who accidentally led me to somebody real instead, to Adam that is. Not that I feel anything towards Adam... only in memories... so I'm not Shiro? Feelings I have... that way.... for Keith and Lance... that's not like Shiro!_

_But. Things I remembered. The way my mom frowned when I told her about Jacob and said 'a big boy like this shouldn't have imaginary friends anymore, that's a girl thing anyway'. Or. The way Adam grinned when we both geeked out over said actor, over Jacob Connery that is. Or. The way Matt smiled when showing a photo of Katie. Or the way Keith was looking out the window and not at Shiro, the only one, so obviously Shiro looked at him. Or the way Katie, no, Pidge, was furious, thinking Shiro had hurt Matt. Only Shiro remembered that, therefore I'm Shiro. Makes sense?_

_Is the camera on? I should smile. I'm Shiro. The hero. And all that._

_Am I not?_

_Tell me, Lance. Since Keith is rarely here, you're the only one who can. Tell me: is my life real or a lie? And if it's a lie, what do I do with it?_

_No, it's not a lie, I'm Shiro. But if only... Lance, or Keith, or Pidge, or anyone, could look at me and say: you're Shiro, without me telling them to say so, I'd be sure. I'd be calm. I'd be **me.** Am I myself? Of course. Who else???_

_Smile. For the camera. For the family here. Paladins. Completely real ones whose realness isn't in doubt. Whose authenticity isn't in doubt. Is mine? Why aren't you telling me, Lance, I beg you!! Right, because you can't read my mind, 'cause you're not the imaginary Haggar. Good... I guess? And... I'm me... whether I'm me or not... so in this video Lance is now going to film, I'll be completely honest... about everything... I'll say what's on my mind, cuz I want to protect my family, my Paladins! Because... I love..._

_I'll be honest. Maybe I should even say: hey, I'm uncertain if I'm me, though I remember being me? But I'll get us all home, and if I'm not me then I have no home, so, I'm, I'm just ready to sacrifice myself to bring all you guys home, if I'm not me..._

_He thought._

And then, Lance began filming. The vlog. The... well, they all had already recorded theirs, he loved Keith's, then again, he always loved Keith's things, and now, he loved Keith _in that way_ , which could be yet another clue he wasn't himself, or perhaps just paranoid...

So Shiro ( _Shiro, right? Right? right...?)_ said, with barest hesitation,

"Hello, I'm Shiro. I fly the Black Lion,"

_Begging her. Begging her, begging her, begging her, the Black, that's when his doubts about her own autheticity began, because he begged and begged and the answer he got was, from her (Black) was the reluctant one, one he almost heard as **you are not the Black Paladin but to save others I'll let you fly and if you try to harm them I'll bite you immediately**_

But he had to be hallucinating that answer. Because he, Shiro, used to be the Black Paladin, used to fly the Black Lion, right? if he was... himself...

"The other Paladins keep reminding me that I'm the only one who hasn't shared memories yet."

_Memories..._

_Are they mine?_

_They all fit. They are all real - really Shiro's. But is that, is that me? If so, why do all the memories feel so distant?_

_I want a sign that I'm real me, and.._

_if not... If I'm not... and if Haggar seeing through me is not my hallucination, not fever dream, but truth, then, I..... I ... I..._

_I want the Black to bite my head off..._

Shiro thought.

_Better that to harm Keith. Better that than to harm Lance._

_But... .. that's all just silly thoughts. Because I AM me. Right?_

_Right?_

_"...like I can't trust my memories."_

_Lance, Lance, you're hearing this, so, SAY something. SAY something. Have you already given up on me?! SAY SOMETHING!_

_Shiro thought, frantic._

_Say something._

_Say something._

"These heroic men and women, and Lance"

_Say something._

_Can't you hear I'm begging you, nicely? I just don't want to freak you out with actual begging, you're such a gentle soul, Lance. And you love too much. So no freaking out, but, I'm begging you!_

_And I'll also beg Keith when he comes back... because ever since he saved me when I had almost no oxygen left... I think I... fell in Keith._

_Which also might mean I'm not me._

_To Takashi Shirogane, Keith Kogane is like a brother. To me, that's just not the case, he is too... too.... too many things... Keith is..._

_Lance, too..._

_Am I still me?_

Shiro (really?) thought. Wondered.

"...Wouldn't be on this dangerous mission, if it wasn't for me."

_Please. Tell me if I'm myself or not. Do I have to ask straight?_

_And I just want you safe. Safe even from the imaginary Haggar, who may or may not be imaginary._

"Whatever it takes."

_Despite any imaginary Haggars... because... real love must be... stronger than imaginary control and PAIN..._

_Must be..._

_Or I'm not myself._

_No. I won't give up. Keith, Lance, Katie, Allura, Hunk, Coran, I won't give up, I--_

_Keith, Lance..._

_Keith, Lance..._

_If I'm me, don't give up on me, and I, won't on you, I..._

_What am I thinking?_

**"Whatever it takes."**

Lance was still filming. Good. Good.

In the instance that, in the future, perhaps all my fears are realised, and I'm not me, it'll turn out, if it does, I want Keith to watch this, and know I loved him, and cared for the team, even if I wasn't Shiro, if I wasn't.... PLEASE LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT THIS VIDEO, WHEN I'm no longer me, if I'm not, LOOK!!! WATCH THIS!! WATCH, I BEG YOU!!!

Shiro thought.

"Whatever it takes."

"Shiro?"

Lance asked.

"Are you alright? I'm no longer filming."

"Yeah. Lance. You won't lose this recording, won't you? Even if I die?"

"Wha? Sure, but you won't die."

"But if I died, you wouldn't lose it, right? Whatever it took..."

"Sure, sure. Shiro, do you have a fever?"

"Yeah... no... just a little headache. I'll drink some herbs."

"Good."

"But, Lance... You won't lose the recording? And don't... don't sign it with my name... just... the date, and also, just write... in the title... WHATEVER IT TAKES and I DON'T KNOW IF I TRUST MY MEMORIES, or, either or. Only that. 'kay?"

"Sure... Shiro... you sure you're feeling alright?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Just. Watch it next year, please? With me, or with whoever's there, maybe really with ME, if I'm not me and am not there, anymore? Please? Please."

"Sure, Shiro, sure, but let me check that fever you've GOTTA have."

"Eh, Lance, don't worry. Just. Preserve the video? Please?"

"Keep talking like that, Shiro, and I'll delete it- Shiro?!"

Shiro paled. And almost panicked.

Lance put his hand on Shiro's forehead.

"No fever... Shiro, I was only joking. I'll never delete this if this silly little vid is so important to you."

Shiro breathed again.

Relief.

If he could ever feel something like relief, ever again, with all the doubts plaguing him.

But... silly as it was... for a tick... he now put all his hopes in this video. If his hallucinations were real... at least this video would remain...

_To tell the truth of me. To me? If I'm not me. And to Keith. And to Lance. So they'd know who I am, if I'm no longer me.  
_

_If the universe can grant me anything, if it turns out I'm not me... just... just don't destroy this video. I beg you._

Surely that wasn't too much too ask?

_If I'm not me, but whatever I hallucinate, then I should kill myself. And if that is so, then this is my letter, please, read it, later, please.. Keith, and Lance, and 'me' if I'm not me but there's real 'me' somewhere out there... read it... I mean... watch it... later... because..._

_And if I'm me, let's all just watch this later and laugh at my doubts...._

he thought, frantic.

_Please... can I ask just for this? Just for this........I won't ask for more... that's not too much, surely? This video will be a confession if there's anything to confess if I'm not hallucinating, and just a memory of me having weird headaches but soldiering on if hallucinations aren't real. So, please, please, please, just, save this video for years and years and I'm sure that's not too much to ask? Please!_

He thought.

_So that you guys all know, whoever I am, me or not, I care for you all, I love you, I love you... that's all... Please!_

_Probably I was just hallucinating. Probably I'm me. But, still... Please! And if there's another me out there and he comes back later, I want him to watch, I want 'me' to know I don't love them any less than any other, realer me, might! Even if I'm wrong! I want.... I want...!!! If I'm not Takashi Shirogane, I want Takashi Shirogane to watch this.  
_

_And I want Keith to watch this._

_Am I just feverish? I'm me, am I not?_

_But... I... I want...I....!!!_

He wondered whether maybe Lance was right. Maybe he simply had a fever.

*********************

Later, the video was lost with the Castle of the Lions. Takashi Shirogane never watched it, and neither did Keith Kogane.

They've never seen it.

Lance saw the video, again, before the destruction of the Castle of the Lions. But he didn't save it. The video scared him. Scared him far more than the original Black Paladin, Emperor Zarkon, ever could. Such fear was nothing compared to the gut feeling in his stomach when he watched that video, just after---everything has happened.

No wonder. Who wouldn't have been shocked, after all?


End file.
